Its hard sometimes when you look at your life and realize its not where you thought it should be by now. Its really hard when you work hard, follow the directions to the "American Dream" and get sidelined by something you never heard coming. Its tough when you watch everyone else reach those goals and you are still trying to figure out what you are going to do next in survival mode.
Survival mode is a place I never wanted to be. I wanted to be in the enjoyment mode, or at least in the building mode. For now that's just not possible. I've never been the envious type. I haven't been. I've always been pretty happy with what I have and have wanted, but never to this degree. We think its a part of how I've been grieving. We think its how my mind is trying to focus on something else besides shattered dreams and waylaid plans. I fight this every day. I fight hard. Some days I win, other days I seep back into the cesspool of the envy ridden survival mode and glare out at the passers by.
The story I dreamt of went something like this: A lovely maiden, a Knight in the Miliken Forest was swept off her feet by the man of her dreams. She left the stables and the Knights to work in the halls of learning while she and her husband built their families. They lived happily ever after....
The story took a turn.... The lovely maiden, almost broken in spirit from the years of verbal abuse endured as the only woman Knight in the Forest, met a wonderful man, whom she married. They began to make great plans, when her husband's father fell ill, and passed into the great beyond. The newlyweds struggled to cope, when the husband lost his job. Though his job loss was short lived, and the Lady was no longer treated so poorly with her new Captain of the Guards, her dreams of starting a family were being dashed by the Chief Guard and his ignorance. Standing once again on her feet, The Lady was not expecting the blow of the loss of her career. In the night, a new foe, the Evil Vertigo stole away with her balance, her job, and some of her heart. As her body learned to cope with the poor balance and decreasing hearing, her heart tried to mend from the loss of a job she had fought hard to get. Then her own dear mother fell ill. Her new job was a nightmare, and her mother grew sicker with each passing day. Suddenly, she was again without a job as the assignment ended, and The Lady sat in the Hospice House watching her mother fade. Then, just as the father of her husband had passed a year before, her own dear mother entered the great beyond. The Lady was devastated. Many unfortunate things danced around her broken heart. All the while, she held on through her illness, through the understanding that one day she would no longer be able to hear, through the times when others lives went so well. Dreams of a family have been pushed aside as she and her dear husband try to again pick up pieces left by the devastating events. It takes a long time to put it all back together, and no one can be sure it is done correctly. They cling to each other in the hopes that they will have the happily ever after they dreamed of. But the story just started, so there is no telling where it will go from here....
Ok, its a little silly. Really. Sometimes it feels like that. I try to take into account the struggles we have now are only stepping stones, but its not easy. I battle grief and envy every day. Both are new foes, and I believe they, at least in my case, rode into town together. So the rest of my post is going to be dedicated to the things I AM thankful for.
My wonderful Husband!!!
Church (even if I don't go as I should)
My strong marriage
My Family (even if some of them drive me nuts)
My two crazy kitties
My job (even when its really hard)
My health (even when its not as good as I'd like it to be)
My car (long may the Blue Kahuna run)
My ability to make things like momma had
My hearing (whats left of it)
My ability to write
My love of all things nerdy
My love of history
My stuff (lol)
The experiences that have made me who I am
The house we rent
The food we eat
The clothes we wear
The things we use every day
Ok, so there are LOTS of blessings, and I'm sure I left a bunch out. I'm trying to look to these things rather than look at what others have and feel slighted. I'm trying to climb out of that cesspool of survival and into the plains of contentment. I'm working hard at this. I hope as the grief fades, so will this feeling that Ive been cheated. Because logically, I haven't been. Its all in my head. Really.