12 May 2012

The First Mother's Day Sans Mom...

    Last year I spend Mother's Day at Hospice with my mom.  She was incoherent, mostly, and we were drowning in grief.  She would make it past my birthday, and then on into June.  I can't help but to miss her.  Lots of people miss my mom. She made such an impact on SO many lives. 
    As Mother's Day rolls around I'm trying not to engage in my very own pitty party. I look on Facebook and see two things that threaten to send me spiraling into the domain of pitty: Posts about mom, and posts about being a mom. 
    My hubby and I want to have kids, and I'm not getting any younger you know. But our jobs don't have insurance, and I've got to loose some serious weight before we even try. So the clock ticks away at my chance of having a healthy kiddo, while I look for a job with insurance and pray the Meniere's doesn't get worse. I cant imagine how hard it would be if I were deaf by the time we had our first and was not able to even hear that first cry. I'm SO happy for my friends that have kids, don't get me wrong, but knowing that we are years from trying and that we are entering the "almost too late to try" age, crushes my heart.
    Missing Mom this year seems to be the biggest crushing blow.  I think of things all the time I want to tell her, and well, I cant. I pick up the phone to call, and she's no longer there. I want to call her tomorrow and tell her how much I love her and give her a gift, but I can't.  I imagined one day she'd be there for future kiddos, and be there to see all of the things I accomplished. But she won't be. It's hard this year. They say it will get easier. Somehow I doubt it.
    So I'm trying to find other things to catch my attention. I'm trying to remind myself that momma knows how much I love her, and she's going to be waiting on me up in Heaven when I get there some 60 years from now.  I'm going to avoid that pitty party as hard as I can, she wouldn't have wanted me to indulge in it anyway.

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