08 July 2013

Only Skinny People Think I "Choose" to be Fat.

    I'm about tired of reading about the obesity epidemic in this country and seeing comments that range from just mean to the "fat people choose to be fat".  Let me set the record straight.  I did not "choose" to be fat.  I did not wake up one morning and decide that I wanted to see how far I could push my body weight wise, and I did not elect to become as heavy as I have gotten.  It is one of those things that happens over time for a number of reasons that are not especially under my control. Let me lay it out for you.
  •  PCOS, or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, I didn't choose to have a problem that makes losing weight almost impossible.
  • Genetics, yes the old stand by of millions like me, some where in the programming I was made to put on pounds for a crisis.
  • Stress.  That is the crisis my body loves to react to.
  • Additives in our foods that make them addictive.  Food companies do this so we eat more and thus buy more of their savory or sweet concoctions. Those additives may also, according to some studies, help the body hold on to fat because of how it is processed. 
  • Grief.  I already know I am a stress eater, but I did not know until I lost my mother that I would eat when I was sad too. 
  • Corn.  This sounds stupid, but there is a school of thought that the very same grain they use to fatten up cows, also fattens up humans because its processed into everything. 

    I could go on listing my "excuses".  That's what everyone calls them.  Everyone is quick to point a bony finger in my direction and tell me how its my fault I don't join a gym or get a personal trainer.  I cant afford one, so its my fault I don't walk more.  No one wants to hear about how painful it is to walk more than a couple hundred feet. I know the extra pounds doesn't help it, but the root cause is a car wreck I was in years ago compounded by 11 years of ignoring the pain to be a firefighter. 

    Oh there is the "you need to use some willpower".  I have none.  There its settled.  I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm lonely, I eat when I'm nervous, I eat when I'm bored and I eat when I'm stressed.  I feel ashamed of it, but I have done this since I was a little kid.  Some people reach for booze or pills, I reach for snacks.  I don't even buy sweets or snacks for the house anymore. I try to reach for "healthy" stuff when I get like this, unfortunately some of the healthy stuff like carrots causes some GI issues, so we have stress related issue. 

    There is are the "dieters" that swear by one diet or another.  Believe me I've tried about everything I can afford. Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Slim-Fast, prepackaged plans, the lemonade diet, the cabbage soup diet, diet pills, HGC, low fat, low carb, low calorie, Ultra low calorie, oh the list goes on and on.  I stuck with the prepackaged plan and Weight Watchers the longest. I even lost weight at one point in the changes weight watchers made on their plan, but they tweaked it, and I never had success again.  It is impossible to stick to something when you fail at it.  At Weight Watchers I consistently averaged 1/4 lb a week. I was paying 40 bucks a month to be miserable, and only lose 1/4 lb a week.  I need to lose about 150 lbs.  That's three years, and 1440.00 of membership money.  Oh and the naysayers accuse me of cheating or doing it wrong.  When I swear I am following it to the letter, I'm called a liar.  Or my favorite part of the meeting is when there are these women whining just joining to drop five pounds and they make some snotty remark to the big girls like me about how easy it is to lose on Weight Watchers and I should be proud of the 1/4 lb, its not their five this week, but its still 1/4.  Or they ask, as many close to me have, "What did you do wrong this week?  Did you eat a cheeseburger or ice cream?"  Have you ever thought for a moment that I'm actually doing the program and my motivation wanes after six months with no results despite diet and exercise? And yes, we have had the thyroid checked, it was fine. And my cholesterol and BGLs are too, so there.

    I could go on.  But no, I don't choose to be fat.  I don't choose to feel lousy and look like a hippo.  I don't choose to be stared at or snickered at behind my back or even to my face. I don't choose to spend more money on clothes because "extended sizes" cost more, or to find nothing in my size at the goodwill ,EVER.  I don't choose to have aching joints, a throbbing back, and other weight related physical ailments.  I don't choose to be discriminated against because I'm not attractive. I don't choose to forgo the swimming pool because of how people react to a "big girl" in a swimsuit, or choose to pay 150 bucks for the only thing in town in my size at a specialty store, because Target doesn't carry swimsuits for big girls that we can actually wear. I don't choose to have low self-esteem because everyone else seems to have a major issue with my weight.  I don't choose to go shopping alone, no one wants to be seen in the "fat girl" store with me except my fantastic hubby, God bless him.

    Maybe if you took the time out of your day that you spend judging us fat girls, and you simply gave us an understanding hug, or said a prayer for our happiness, we'd all feel better about everything. 

    I did not choose to be fat.  It has been the result of many factors.  I choose to give up, but in the face of constant failure and ridicule I do not have the drive to push through the unbearable pain and do anything else.  The battle is pretty much over.  I've begun to accept that I will never be "thin" again, and my weight will haunt me for the rest of my life, however short or long that may be.  My tears are no longer for myself, they are for all those that can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I'm big.  

    Yes, this is not especially about Meniere's, but since I was diagnosed and was unable to exercise as much, I gained 70 or so lbs. People sometimes treat me like I'm ignorant or some sort of lazy slob because I'm big.  I'm none of those.  I didn't choose this, and if you think for a moment that all of us "big girls" choose to be big, you have a lot to learn about the world.  A lot indeed. 

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